Keep Your Ass At Home


I can buy all the anime. All…the…anime.

I’m one of those people who gets up at ass crack o’clock for cheap Supernatural dvds and flashdrives. Yes, there are a ton of online deals, but I like buying things in person because it decreases the odds of damaged goods drama. Black Friday is a fun event if 1. You’re not a dick or 2. You don’t buy useless shit. Useless covers what you don’t need or want. If you want a Taylor Swift cd, go for it. If you need a new external hard drive because you have finally downloaded too much porn, go for it. But if you bought a donut maker when you know you’re not cooking jack and want to return it the next day? Keep your ass at home. You have no will power and Black Friday has defeated you. *Points to wall* The seppuku corner is that way(the love of god I’m joking, BIG NO!). So that’s the spirit of today’s post; warning signs if you should keep your ass at home.

Do you hate crowds? Keep your ass at home.

Do you hate slow staff and want to share that opinion out loud on one of the busiest shopping days of the year? Keep your ass at home.

Do you have a ton of leftovers at home but won’t stuff your gullet with a turkey sandwich before you go Black Friday shopping so you can rage and blame low blood sugar? Keep your ass at home.

Do you think few parking spaces justify a game of chicken in the parking lot? Keep your ass at home.

Do you think your children will stop loving you if you don’t buy whichever creepy Elmo toy is popular this season? Keep your ass at home.

Do you freak out when the card reader at the register breaks? Keep your ass at home.

Are you pissed that the walmart ad that only advertised they had 4 big screens turns out to be true and there were none left when you’re customer #143? Keep your ass at home.

Do you think pepper spray is an acceptable tool to block other people from grabbing things you want? Keep your ass at home forever.

Alrighty then, I probably left off a few but on to legitimate Black Friday advice for sane people.

  1. If you’re shopping for expensive electronics, do that online. Door buster deals are limited in store, and if you’re not in the first twenty batch of customers, forget about it.
  2. Office supply stores are less drama for computers/laptops.
  3. If a store you frequent is disorganized, more than likely it will be ten times worse on Black Friday.
  4. If you don’t have a separate trunk in your vehicle, drop off purchases at home so you’re not driving around with full shopping bags flashing out your windows, a.k.a., ‘smash and grab’ bait. If you can’t make multiple trips, I suggest you park in front where throwing a brick in your windows will be too conspicuous.
  5. Don’t post on facebook or other social media that you’re buying expensive things.
  6. Cash is king. Those card readers start breaking down around 8-9 a.m. because of so many shoppers. Sometimes a register will be opened for cash only purchases, and you want to be that prepared boss who’s the first one in that line.
  7. Watch your surroundings. It’s Black Friday for criminals too, and they scope out electronics stores and stores like walmart for big spenders.
  8. On Black Friday, mall parking lots look like football stadium parking lots during the Super Ball. I suggest checking the news reports on them before attempting to shop at one.
  9. Be patient. There are a lot of seasonal workers that day, and supervisors/managers don’t always educate them properly in what’s on sale or where items are located. Or maybe they’re not on their A-game because they just dealt with a door buster deal. Either way, shouting doesn’t solve any of those problems.
  10. Don’t be crazy and don’t be a dick. That’s all it takes to avoid creating a Black Friday news story.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s